Sunday, December 10, 2006

why be merry?

you know, if it's so difficult to even send a goddamn birthday card, then don't even bother with that.

My sister sucks at being cheery. It's a big stress for her to buy or send a birthday greeting, let alone a christmas one. for as long as I can remember, my christmas mornings have been dampened by her grim depressive spirits. i don't know what the fuck her problem is, but today she calls me and is totally stressed over what to get my kids for christmas. For god sakes, they're only little them a car or a truck and your done. Is it so much to even ask to send a birthday card?

I wonder sometimes if I moved away partly to get away from my family. I speak to my SIL on the phone to toss some ideas around about gifts for the nieces and nephews, and then it launches into a few jabs about my sister. like, it's okay for ME to complain and bitch about my sister, but when someone else does it, I feel inside very defensive about it. Don't know why. It's like I hate her for being unhappy (or what seems like it) all the time, and yet when someone else remarks about it I get all "hurt" about it.

So on to the moving away thing..... I sometimes reflect and think I moved away really to get awy from my family. I miss getting together with them once in awhile, but I don't miss the politics and the unspoken turbulence. I sometimes feel like I was adopted...I feel so different than my sister and brother...and being that way, I like to be AWAY from them so I don't feel guilty about being different.

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